The Art of Complaining

I am proud to say that I come from a long line of complainers.  While I will take a moment to give a shout out to my Mom, sister, and Grams (hey high maintenance bitches!!), I will focus on my Father: the heavyweight Paul Ali and world class complaint champion. 

Ringing in at 260 pounds of muscle (with a slight layer of love) my dad complains without even meaning to complain. 

Positive Example:

"Excuse me sir, your brought the entrees out too soon after the salads". 

Outcome: 

BOOM!  Dinner/drinks for ten people COMPED, as in fo' free!!

Negative Example:

"Ma'am! My daughter's lip is busted and she is bleeding.  You instructed us come to your facility and now you are sending us to the ER?!  This is ridiculous!! 

Outcome:

The Petriskos are asked to switch pediatricians in 1997 as patriarch "threatened" female nurse.

Along with his unintentional complaints, my pops can deliver formal complaints with an eloquence and effectiveness that  rival Hemingway.  He has written letters to various establishments throughout the greater southeast and I am proud to say, I am a chip off the ole block.

The letter is an excellent form of grumbling, first and foremost because you can change what you say as many times as necessary before sending. 

Draft 1: Your food fucking sucks and your waiters smell like dick cheese! 

Draft 4: I was appalled by the quality of your restaurant's fare, as well as personal hygiene of your wait staff.

Now that you have the general idea, It is without further ado that I give you my final thoughts and example in the form of a real life letter being sent to my vet--sons of bitches!--this week enjoy and happy griping!

 

From February 17- February 20, 2012 my fiancé, Randall Jackson, and I boarded our two dogs at your facility.  Jack, a Golden Retriever, and Frank, an English Bulldog mix, have stayed in your kennel over a dozen times throughout the course of the past two years.  We board our dogs with Foothills Veterinary Hospital because it is a medical establishment and it was our understanding that Frank and Jack were to receive a level of care above that offered by other basic boarding facilities.  Based on recent events, I now know this is not the case.

Over the course of the weekend, Frank developed a “hotspot” over his entire neck creeping down onto -his chest.  (See attached photos).  I know with complete certainty this infection was not present when I left my dog in your care.  This fact stated I am not upset that the infection was acquired at your facility.  I am however, appalled at the neglect of your staff in identifying, and treating the wound, as well as their failure to properly notifying me per the signed release form.

From the comments of the kennel attendants, his neck was noticed as early as the morning of the 20^th.  I did not receive a phone call to request treatment or to notify me that there was an infection, which must lead me to assume that his caretakers are either incompetent or lazy.  Upon seeing my shock and alarm, the staff immediately rushed the dog back to clinic where his raw wound had to be shaved and treated.  I do not know which veterinarian saw him, as no doctor came to speak to me, reassure me, or instruct me on how to care for Frank. 

As a result of this incident, I now have many other questions regarding the care the dogs received while in your facility.  Were they actually fed twice a day?  Did they receive their allotted, albeit brief, exercise period?  Were their kennels properly sterilized?  Because of this injury, Frank must be separated from our other dog while it heals, no doubt causing anxiety for both of them; Frank may not go on walks as due to the location of the wound, a collar or harness would further agitate the area; and possibly most disturbing, Frank must endure constant pain until this massive sore heals.

Though we have not had any problems with you or your medical staff, the office is consistently hectic almost to the point of disorganized and I must assume the kennel is a similar environment.  My fiancé and I will no longer be boarding our dogs at Foothills and are considering finding new medical providers. 

Sincerely,

Kacie Petrisko

You're freaking me out here

Since I know I have so many people that read/know about this blog (may-be 3?), I know I'll get some great feedback on my latest issue.

Lately I have been SMELLING in my dreams.  I don't just mean that I had a dream I was walking through a garden and smelling lovely flowers.  What I mean is that I wake up in the middle of the night to the SMELL of cigarette smoke in our room and immediately FREAK OUT because we are non-smokers and obviously a nicotine addicted rapist has come into the house to send me to therapy for the next 30 years and possible give me herpes.

The smoking smell instance has happened twice over the past few months.   Another unpleasant occasion involved me waking up to the smell of urine.  In this instance I woke up ready to beat my dog as clearly based on the potency of the smell, he had just walked over to the floor vent and taken a leak.  Upon further inspection, I realized that sweet little Frank was in fact shut in the bathroom fast asleep on his bed, not a trickle in sight.

The third smell I experienced was the smell of bacon being cooked in the kitchen.  This time Randall was home, so naturally I assumed my darling fiance was slaving over the stove preparing to serve me breakfast in bed.  When I rolled over to smile and stretch, to my shock it was 4:00am, still dark, and he was snoring away.  OMG. 

It's exceptionally weird to me because prior to waking up to these smells, I have no recollection of what I was dreaming about.  I can offer possible explanations for all three instances based off my current life situations and I will just for the sake of my sanity, hope they apply. 

Smoking Dream: I hate cigarette smoke.  Let me clarify that in case you didn't understand, I HATE CIGARETTE SMOKE.  My office of 25 people has no less that 10-15 smokers all of whom reek of second and third hand smoke.  (Can we just talk about how astounding it is to me that 50% of my office is either too ignorant, lazy, or addicted to quit?)  Until recently I had daily instances of smoke piping through the vent in my office due to people smoking too close to the building and a shitty HVAC system.  I filed a "formal complaint" with my boss and voila, we are now a "smoke-free facility".  Does it still smell?  Yes.  Has it gotten better?  Yes.  Do I still fear for my life? Yes.  Is there shit I can do about it?  No.  C'est La Vie, bitches.  This is what I must have been dreaming about, right??

Urine Dream: Randall is a dog whisperer, and by dog whisperer I mean he is equally if not more stubborn-willed than my bulldog and has no problem waiting patiently until his commands are followed (he is also really strong and can pop Frank's butt harder than I can).  Randall has informed me many times that I did a crap job (pun intended) of housebreaking Frank as he is 3 years old and still has accidents in the house.  Based on the amount of times I am on my hands and knees cleaning up piss, I must agree.  I will also attribute this to the fact that Frank is smart enough to know that we will always clean up after him and he will still get fed (his only motivation in life) regardless of how many times he messes on the laundry room floor, so if he's gotta go, fuck it- He's going.  It's always a surprise if he has made you a surprise.  This is what I must have been dreaming about, right??

Bacon Dream: Bacon really does make everything better.  If you don't believe me, ask Jim Gaffigan.  It is the meat candy and what self respecting carnivore wouldn't want to wake up to the smell of bacon.  Bacon is also a comforting smell to me because it's something that we cook on special mornings (Christmas, birthdays, thanksgiving, WEEKENDS!).  Since Randall was home for this occurrence, I must assume that I was feeling cozy, comfortable, and happy to smell bacon.  Also I am pretty sure that Randall dreams of meat every night, so perhaps his visions transferred to my brain via osmosis.  This is what I must have been dreaming about, right??

If you or anyone you know has an olfactory support group I can join, please let me know.

10 things I love that start with the letter K!

Thank you to Wesilly for this prompt!

 

1. Kissing- Kissing is something that has become very intimate to me.  May-be its because I used up all my points earlier in my life, at bars, frat houses, and various cities throughout the American South and abroad.  May-be it's because men I barely know who are clients of mine think that they have the right to kiss me on the cheek, whilst my boss only has to put up with a firm hand shake, perverts.  On the flipside, I don't think I can hold a baby, especially a fat one, and not kiss the chubby little cheeks and blow strawberries in their neck (ie. if you are a stranger do not let me hold your baby).  I love kisses from friends family, and my fiance'-Le duh.

 

2. Keeping in touch- KIT! RHTS! LLYAS! I love and think I am pretty good at keeping in touch. I am especially proud of this because I am not really a phone talker. I will credit this ability to a few things: 1) I know men are complete retards at this, so if I want to have any of them in my life, the ball is always in my court.  2) I think my Mother regrets not being better at this throughout her life--where the hell was Facebook 30 years ago??--so therefore I have tried to not have the same regret.  3) I truly care about and choose the people I have in my life.  I want people to know I love them and that they are important.  A text, card, post, message, email, or visit goes a long way.  Plus I am scared to die alone so if I keep in touch with everyone, the chances of this decrease dramatically.

 

3. Kindness-  I am not sure how Webster would define it, but to me kindness is when people go out of their way to make others feel like they matter.  For example, I let Randall ramble on for a full five minutes before I tell him to shut up and get to the point of whatever drawn out story he is trying to tell me.  It is kind that I offer my boss gum, rather than telling him he may have a tumor in his throat based on the odor coming out of his mouth.  I wait until people leave the room before I talk about them.  I think to be described as kind would be a great honor. 

 

4. Karaoke- We have already established that I am a freak, so I can say this with full disclosure knowing that you have already judged me, I LOVE karaoke!!  --Clarification: I love to SING karaoke.  I do not give a shit about your rendition of "Boots with the furrr"-- I'll attribute this love to a few factors.  I love attention and performing, I like to think I perform everyday by being nice to people who are clearly idiots and deserve a slap in the face rather than the smile I so easily conjure up.  Two, I can actually sing and hate that I don't have more opportunities to do this in public.  The acoustics in my car are only so forgiving.  And finally, kararoke venues always serve alcohol.  Point made.

 

5. Karma- I LOVE Karma.  She is the bitch I don't have the strength to be.  Do the right thing and I believe it will come back to you.  I read a book the other day and a line in it read "the man exuded black energy".  Do not be that man.

 

6. KILLER Deals- Shopping is officially a sport in my book.  If you didn't get it on sale or dig out the last of your size from a bin, then you didn't try hard enough.  FAIL.  TJ Maxx is a pimp and I am his bitch.  I would go to TJ Maxx/Marshalls/Home Goods everyday if I did not already have a full time job.  I wish I had direct access to all of your credit cards because I see shit that you would like all the time and it's half the price you would pay retail. 

 

7. Kris Jenner (aka my mother)- First thing's first, my mom gets told she looks like Kris Jenner WEEKLY if not, daily.  It's hilarious.  My mom is beautiful, understanding, helpful, caring, fun, and a great listener.  I look forward to growing with her in our relationship as mother and daughter, but most importantly as friends. 

 

8. Kids- Kids in general are a riot and scary smart.  Once when I was babysitting a four year old turned me and said, "If Earth has earthquakes, does Venus have venusquakes?"  Seriously?!  Did I even know what the solar system was when I was four??  Kids are completely accepting, resilient, and brilliant until we screw them up or they become adults.  I think about having a family all the time.  I have always known that I wanted to be a mom and I cannot express how exciting it is to know who the father of my children will be. 

 

9. Knowledge- Have you ever listened to someone speak and thought, wow this person is fucking smart.  I love that feeling.  I also love when people take the time to educate themselves on every side of an issue, ie. political views.  Grain of salt folks, that's how I take my news and my tequila.  Knowledge truly is power though, and there is nothing like shutting someone up who has nothing but smoke coming out of their ass.

 

10. Kettle One- Kettle One is my jam.  I like it in on the rocks, I like it with juice.  I like it after work. I like it in the morning.  I like it at football games.  I like it on Sunday.  I like it at the bar.  I love it with friends.  I like it on my couch.  I do so like it, Sam I Am.

 

Today on what NOT to do

Because obviously not everyone is aware, please see the following.

1.  Don't wear nude panty hose.  Unless you're planning to incorporate jazz hands into your daily routine, ditch the nylons.  We know that shade of flesh is only achievable if you're Snooki.  It's time to stop holding on to you dance recital dreams.

2.  Don't let your child be a dietitian.  "Susie will only eat chicken nuggets and lucky charms."  Apart from a serious lack of fiber (hopefully there's some prune juice hidden in her magically delicious mix) she's also missing out!  Who's the genius that decided to let a 2 year-old create their own meal plan anyway?  Didn't she just eat her own boogers??  Tell Suz what's for dinner and every one's lives will be easier in the long run.  SIDEBAR: Unless she has food allergies, then for christsake get an Epi-pen Jr. and give her the damn lucky charms.

3.  Don't bring your frozen, 1-year old wedding cake to work if you're going through a divorce.  It's obviously a cry for two things: A- help B-crazy alarm.  Throw it in the trash, feed it to your cats, give it to a homeless man.  The office fridge next to my Trader Joe's sparkling lime water is not the proper place.

4.  Don't invite other people to a dinner to which I have invited you.  If I am paying then I pick who comes and who doesn't.  I don't care if you are my client and are ghetto and you expect me to kiss your ass.  Get some fucking manners.  You know that shit would not fly at your house.

5.  Don't buy farm-raised seafood.  It's gross and freaks me out.

6.  Don't live your life on facebook.  If you have created more than ten facebook albums this year, I am talking to you.  If most of these albums regard your children, start a blog for family members only.  Other than may-be, MAY-BE, your mom, no one gives a shit if Tommy takes a shit.

7.  Don't think that life is fair.  It's so not.  People's sense of entitlement is overwhelming, and I'm not just saying that because I listen to Rush Limbaugh.  I see it within my personal circle almost daily.  It's sad really.  My advice?  Stop being lazy and figure your shit out.  But look on the bright side, at least you're not the still poverty stricken actress from Slumdog Millionaire.  Too much?

8.  Don't miss the chance to tell someone you love them, even if they already know you do.  I love you, Wes!  You'll probably be the only person to ever read my BS blog!

9.  Don't believe stereotypes, even though 90% of them are 90% accurate 90% of the time.

10.  Don't hate me because I am beautiful.  Keep reading my blog and sooner or later you'll find a better reason.