You're freaking me out here

Since I know I have so many people that read/know about this blog (may-be 3?), I know I'll get some great feedback on my latest issue.

Lately I have been SMELLING in my dreams.  I don't just mean that I had a dream I was walking through a garden and smelling lovely flowers.  What I mean is that I wake up in the middle of the night to the SMELL of cigarette smoke in our room and immediately FREAK OUT because we are non-smokers and obviously a nicotine addicted rapist has come into the house to send me to therapy for the next 30 years and possible give me herpes.

The smoking smell instance has happened twice over the past few months.   Another unpleasant occasion involved me waking up to the smell of urine.  In this instance I woke up ready to beat my dog as clearly based on the potency of the smell, he had just walked over to the floor vent and taken a leak.  Upon further inspection, I realized that sweet little Frank was in fact shut in the bathroom fast asleep on his bed, not a trickle in sight.

The third smell I experienced was the smell of bacon being cooked in the kitchen.  This time Randall was home, so naturally I assumed my darling fiance was slaving over the stove preparing to serve me breakfast in bed.  When I rolled over to smile and stretch, to my shock it was 4:00am, still dark, and he was snoring away.  OMG. 

It's exceptionally weird to me because prior to waking up to these smells, I have no recollection of what I was dreaming about.  I can offer possible explanations for all three instances based off my current life situations and I will just for the sake of my sanity, hope they apply. 

Smoking Dream: I hate cigarette smoke.  Let me clarify that in case you didn't understand, I HATE CIGARETTE SMOKE.  My office of 25 people has no less that 10-15 smokers all of whom reek of second and third hand smoke.  (Can we just talk about how astounding it is to me that 50% of my office is either too ignorant, lazy, or addicted to quit?)  Until recently I had daily instances of smoke piping through the vent in my office due to people smoking too close to the building and a shitty HVAC system.  I filed a "formal complaint" with my boss and voila, we are now a "smoke-free facility".  Does it still smell?  Yes.  Has it gotten better?  Yes.  Do I still fear for my life? Yes.  Is there shit I can do about it?  No.  C'est La Vie, bitches.  This is what I must have been dreaming about, right??

Urine Dream: Randall is a dog whisperer, and by dog whisperer I mean he is equally if not more stubborn-willed than my bulldog and has no problem waiting patiently until his commands are followed (he is also really strong and can pop Frank's butt harder than I can).  Randall has informed me many times that I did a crap job (pun intended) of housebreaking Frank as he is 3 years old and still has accidents in the house.  Based on the amount of times I am on my hands and knees cleaning up piss, I must agree.  I will also attribute this to the fact that Frank is smart enough to know that we will always clean up after him and he will still get fed (his only motivation in life) regardless of how many times he messes on the laundry room floor, so if he's gotta go, fuck it- He's going.  It's always a surprise if he has made you a surprise.  This is what I must have been dreaming about, right??

Bacon Dream: Bacon really does make everything better.  If you don't believe me, ask Jim Gaffigan.  It is the meat candy and what self respecting carnivore wouldn't want to wake up to the smell of bacon.  Bacon is also a comforting smell to me because it's something that we cook on special mornings (Christmas, birthdays, thanksgiving, WEEKENDS!).  Since Randall was home for this occurrence, I must assume that I was feeling cozy, comfortable, and happy to smell bacon.  Also I am pretty sure that Randall dreams of meat every night, so perhaps his visions transferred to my brain via osmosis.  This is what I must have been dreaming about, right??

If you or anyone you know has an olfactory support group I can join, please let me know.

10 things I love that start with the letter K!

Thank you to Wesilly for this prompt!

 

1. Kissing- Kissing is something that has become very intimate to me.  May-be its because I used up all my points earlier in my life, at bars, frat houses, and various cities throughout the American South and abroad.  May-be it's because men I barely know who are clients of mine think that they have the right to kiss me on the cheek, whilst my boss only has to put up with a firm hand shake, perverts.  On the flipside, I don't think I can hold a baby, especially a fat one, and not kiss the chubby little cheeks and blow strawberries in their neck (ie. if you are a stranger do not let me hold your baby).  I love kisses from friends family, and my fiance'-Le duh.

 

2. Keeping in touch- KIT! RHTS! LLYAS! I love and think I am pretty good at keeping in touch. I am especially proud of this because I am not really a phone talker. I will credit this ability to a few things: 1) I know men are complete retards at this, so if I want to have any of them in my life, the ball is always in my court.  2) I think my Mother regrets not being better at this throughout her life--where the hell was Facebook 30 years ago??--so therefore I have tried to not have the same regret.  3) I truly care about and choose the people I have in my life.  I want people to know I love them and that they are important.  A text, card, post, message, email, or visit goes a long way.  Plus I am scared to die alone so if I keep in touch with everyone, the chances of this decrease dramatically.

 

3. Kindness-  I am not sure how Webster would define it, but to me kindness is when people go out of their way to make others feel like they matter.  For example, I let Randall ramble on for a full five minutes before I tell him to shut up and get to the point of whatever drawn out story he is trying to tell me.  It is kind that I offer my boss gum, rather than telling him he may have a tumor in his throat based on the odor coming out of his mouth.  I wait until people leave the room before I talk about them.  I think to be described as kind would be a great honor. 

 

4. Karaoke- We have already established that I am a freak, so I can say this with full disclosure knowing that you have already judged me, I LOVE karaoke!!  --Clarification: I love to SING karaoke.  I do not give a shit about your rendition of "Boots with the furrr"-- I'll attribute this love to a few factors.  I love attention and performing, I like to think I perform everyday by being nice to people who are clearly idiots and deserve a slap in the face rather than the smile I so easily conjure up.  Two, I can actually sing and hate that I don't have more opportunities to do this in public.  The acoustics in my car are only so forgiving.  And finally, kararoke venues always serve alcohol.  Point made.

 

5. Karma- I LOVE Karma.  She is the bitch I don't have the strength to be.  Do the right thing and I believe it will come back to you.  I read a book the other day and a line in it read "the man exuded black energy".  Do not be that man.

 

6. KILLER Deals- Shopping is officially a sport in my book.  If you didn't get it on sale or dig out the last of your size from a bin, then you didn't try hard enough.  FAIL.  TJ Maxx is a pimp and I am his bitch.  I would go to TJ Maxx/Marshalls/Home Goods everyday if I did not already have a full time job.  I wish I had direct access to all of your credit cards because I see shit that you would like all the time and it's half the price you would pay retail. 

 

7. Kris Jenner (aka my mother)- First thing's first, my mom gets told she looks like Kris Jenner WEEKLY if not, daily.  It's hilarious.  My mom is beautiful, understanding, helpful, caring, fun, and a great listener.  I look forward to growing with her in our relationship as mother and daughter, but most importantly as friends. 

 

8. Kids- Kids in general are a riot and scary smart.  Once when I was babysitting a four year old turned me and said, "If Earth has earthquakes, does Venus have venusquakes?"  Seriously?!  Did I even know what the solar system was when I was four??  Kids are completely accepting, resilient, and brilliant until we screw them up or they become adults.  I think about having a family all the time.  I have always known that I wanted to be a mom and I cannot express how exciting it is to know who the father of my children will be. 

 

9. Knowledge- Have you ever listened to someone speak and thought, wow this person is fucking smart.  I love that feeling.  I also love when people take the time to educate themselves on every side of an issue, ie. political views.  Grain of salt folks, that's how I take my news and my tequila.  Knowledge truly is power though, and there is nothing like shutting someone up who has nothing but smoke coming out of their ass.

 

10. Kettle One- Kettle One is my jam.  I like it in on the rocks, I like it with juice.  I like it after work. I like it in the morning.  I like it at football games.  I like it on Sunday.  I like it at the bar.  I love it with friends.  I like it on my couch.  I do so like it, Sam I Am.